Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – August 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Hello, hello! It’s that time again, loyal subjects! So, no more foreplay. Let’s rumble!

So, the Grim Reaper continues on his one-man (?) mission to make 2017 suck even more than 2016, adding Tobe Hooper and George Romero to the list of casualties. So, if this month turns into a bit of a Tobe Hooper tribute, don’t be shocked.

Dunkirk is proof that Christopher Nolan’s brilliance knows no bounds. As much as I love “The Dark Knight,” especially Heath Ledger’s legend-making turn as the Joker, this movie is Nolan’s masterpiece. It does however beg one question; What exactly is his problem with the bottom of Tom Hardy’s face?

Maybe he’s a big Bruce Campbell fan and doesn’t want to see another chin become famous……

We all remember the 80’s hit “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls, where the gorgeous redhead with a voice like liquid sex makes love to the camera for four minutes. Even if we won’t admit it, we all liked it. Now, think about this for a second, wouldn’t that song be weird and awkward if it had been a guy singing it? Seriously, a guy singing “when I think about you I touch myself” is not getting on MTV, he’s going to show up on Cops. #JustSayin’

Speaking of Cops there is a Star Wars themed parody called Troops. If you haven’t seen it, do so. If you have, give it another look, it’s freaking hilarious.

Now, on to Tobe Hooper. As you may or may not know, Mr. Hooper is one of my favorite horror directors ever; on the same level with Carpenter and Craven. Yeah, he doesn’t get the same recognition as they do, even falling behind Sean Cunningham and George Romero. Still, the man’s body of work, especially a lesser known piece called The Funhouse, is the stuff of nightmares and is all worthy of a second look.

Start with the obvious, the world famous and still banned in some countries The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This was the movie that really started the gore trend and led to the birth of the slasher genre. The undertones of terror in this movie really made Leatherface almost a role player in the game. Starting off with the grave robberies and really hitting the first high note with the hitchhiker, it never relents. No doubt, many people (myself included) have passed up hitchhikers because of this movie, not to mention looking cross eyed at barbecue….

The song “Fool for a Blonde” has had eerie connotations ever since.

The Funhouse is a movie not near enough people have seen. It’s a stark, low budget masterwork of horror. Other than Poltergeist, I don’t think Tobe Hooper ever had much of a budget for anything, but he always made the most of what he had. I’m not going to spoil it by saying too much as I figure most of you haven’t seen it yet, but watch it and decide if you really want to go to the county fair again. Truth in advertising: This might be my favorite “lost gem” of 80’s horror.

Poltergeist; no movie has more rumors flying about it than this one. Is there a curse? Were those really skeletons in the pool? Did Hooper even direct this movie or was it Spielberg? The answers are; dunno, yep, and yes, mostly. Curse or not, this was the first movie to make the subdivision scary and malfunctioning tv sets have been cause for a jump ever since. Best character? Tangina, played ably by Zelda Rubenstein. She was possibly the creepiest lady dwarf in the history of ever. Don’t agree? Watch a few episodes of Scariest Places on Earth with her narrating, in the dark and then get back to me.

What do you get when you combine Hooper, Leatherface, a music loving freak in a Sonny Bono wig, and Dennis Hopper? You get Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2! Not as good as the original, but a masterpiece none the less. This is the movie that makes horror/comedy a thing. From the Breakfast Club parody poster to Hopper’s “I’m crazier than Leatherface” portrayal of Texas Ranger Lt. “Lefty” Enright, this is to this day one of Lord Darkharte’s favorite ways to piss away an hour and a half. Also, listen for Stewart Copeland of The Police fame’s “Strange Things Happen to a Man on the Road” during the end credits to pick up a nice little piece of awesome forgotten 80’s music.

So, there we are. The needle is on “E” and I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. Can one of you put a guard on John Carpenter and Stan Lee for me? Or maybe just have them go hang out with Chuck Norris…….

Stay Calm and Geek On!

Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – July 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

—————–THIS IS A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR—————–

The following edition of Random Rumblings & Ruminations was intended to post at the end of July. Unfortunately, at the time your friendly neighborhood Editor Mothman was quite under the weather and planned to post the article once the fever dreams about needing to find a bathroom onboard the Enterprise had ended. Fret not! Like Superman in th upcoming Justice League film, I got better. But like the filmmakers behind Superman Returns, I also dropped the ball. It wasn’t until I was about to post August’s spectacular edition of Ruminations that I realized that there was an equity astonishingly installment yet to be consumed by his loyal masses! So, prepare yourself for a double dose of laughs, life lessons and geekery at its finest! Lord KC Darkharte, take it away!

—————–THIS HAS BEEN A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR. EXCELSIOR!—————–

Greetings, loyal subjects! It’s once again time to rumble! I have to admit, I almost missed this month. I looked down one morning and July of 2017 was almost over.  Man, time really flies since the world ended in 2012, huh?

Wait, that didn’t happen? Oh well, fuck it. We’ll tell the kids born afterwards that it did. Yeah, we’ll lie to the little shits, convince them that the Terminator series and other movies of that type are actual historical documents, just run the ultimate long con game on that entire generation. Who’s in?

Speaking of Terminator! It seems that James Cameron, the disputed creator of said series, is looking to do a new Terminator trilogy. So, that’s either very good or very bad news, depending on which Cameron we’re getting. If it’s the genius that brought us Aliens, we’re good. If it’s the guy who brought us Dark Angel, umm, yeah, we might be in trouble here.

It’s also the 20th Anniversary of another Cameron blockbuster, Titanic. Nothing more on that. Never saw it. Already know how it ends.

It’s also the 28th anniversary of Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, a movie that begs the question; Who takes a cruise ship from New Jersey to New York City? Most of those kids would still be alive if they’d just taken the bus……

However, New Jersey’s luck can’t all be Stanley Cups and Jason. Once in a while, it’s got to take  some lumps. In this case, the big, fatty lump comes in the form of Governor/Jackass Chris Christie. I mean, it was bad enough when he decided he and his group could go lounge on a public beach that was closed to the public by a government shutdown. It became worse when he told the public if they didn’t like it they should become governor. Now he’s actually going out of his seat at a baseball game, bodyguards doubtless in tow, to try and pick a fight with a Cubs fan he thought was heckling him. What the actual fuck, Chris Christie? That’s behavior befitting some drunken white trash slob at a dive bar. If this is how you act, I have no problem picturing you pulling off your shirt during a press briefing and challenging media members to a fight, screaming “What? You think you’re better than me?”

Between this guy, Trump, Hillary….. Why did God have to take George Carlin???? This should’ve been his second golden age!

Maybe we can bring Monty Python back, they’ll know what to do!

So, for those of you living under rocks, they’re doing extensive reshoots of the Justice League movie, complicated somewhat by Henry Caville’s mustache for MI:6 (How many more of these is Tom Cruise going to make???) It’s not really going to be a big deal, more noise than anything. The bigger, better question is this:  Have you looked at Caville’s ‘stache? It’s EPIC!

It also tells me something I never would’ve guessed. For those of you who, like me, absolutely love music and maybe even share my affinity for classic rock, you’ll know this to be true when you see the hairy Superman: He was BORN to play Freddy Mercury in a Queen biopic! Now’s the time people, let’s make this shit happen!

Now, I need to say a few words in the defense of a few people who hold a special place in my heart.

First, I’m going to speak up for Batfleck. Okay, some changes have been made to the upcoming Batman solo movie, fine, but all this talk about booting Ben Affleck after Justice League needs to stop. Simply put, he is the best Dark Knight since Michael Keaton and DC needs to stick by him because they cannot afford another miss in the DCEU.

Second, I’m going to step out of character here and be serious for a second as I defend my friends, and most of my readers, in the LGBTQ community in the wake of the recent ban on transgender military service.  I’ve supported President Trump thus far, though not without reservation, and I don’t believe him to be an evil or hateful man, but on this note he’s on the express lane to the wrong side of history. NOBODY with the courage to offer to serve their country should be turned away so long as they’re able to do so. You have to understand the slippery slope we’re on here, people. First, it’s the trans community, then the ban on gays goes back in, then it’s Muslims, and so on ad nauseam. And you want to know where that leads us? The draft. Now that we’re shunning so many communities from service we can no longer fill the ranks with volunteers, so we end up with non-willing men, and possibly women depending on how bad it gets, being shoved  into a meat grinder.  Nobody wants this. Nobody wants this for themselves, their brothers, their sisters, their kids, so now’s the time to speak up on this issue before it’s too late for everybody involved.

Ok, now if all of you will quit making me be serious and thoughtful for a minute……..

Oh, and get that Queen biopic made!

There, happy. Live long and prosper!

Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – June 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Alright, alright, alright, it’s that time again!  Time to rumble!

Let’s get straight into it and let me say this: June has been an absolutely suck moose balls month for the world of geekdom with the loss of Adam West, best known as tv’s Batman and Quahog mayor Adam West. Of all the people to lose in June, usually one of the best months of the geek calendar with games and movies coming out constantly, why did it have to be Batman? As much of an obvious Keaton mark as I am and always will be, you never forget your first, and Adam West was just that. Cut to this scene: a tiny, basement apartment in Charlotte, North Carolina, a bouncy blue-eyed child who can only manage to sit still for about a half an hour a day. The cause? Batman is on, and nothing else, not even the small ham sandwich and plate of Fritos in front of him, matters. Batman is on, therefore the world stopped for those thirty minutes. Batman is on. He doesn’t have to announce to the world  “I’m Batman!” We already know. There’s not even a question.

Speaking of heroes, now I got to get into this shit. Wonder Woman is kicking serious box-office ass, as predicted right here by your dark lord after Batman vs. Superman, and the DCEU is looking like it might catch up to Marvel (could’ve been light years ahead if they’d done this when Keaton and Reeves could play the respective parts, but whatever……. #MISSEDOPPORTUNITIES) So, all should be good in the geek neighborhood, right? WRONG!!!! As usual, we’ve proven to be our own worst enemy by trying to make this some sort off social justice issue and stating, “This is the first real female action hero!” This, naturally, sparks a massive outcry of “What about Buffy?”  and “What about Ripley?” and “What about (insert female hero here)?” So, in the noble tradition of Socrates, I’ll answer those questions with a question of my own……

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????????

Why does praise for Wonder Woman, albeit maybe a little misworded, have to inherently be a slam against Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Princess Leia, or Ripley, or even Black Widow (who so deserves her own movie, btw), or Walking Dead Samurai goddess Michonne? And why does everything have to have an agenda and be politicized? Movies are supposed to be about ESCAPING the bullshit we’re force fed in the real world, not about bringing your grievances with it to the silver screen! So here’s an idea for everybody (because, face it, we’re all guilty): Stop looking for attacks that didn’t happen, stop being a victim, and, for two hours, turn off the harshness of the real world and ENJOY THE FUCKING MOVIE! Stop cheating yourselves out of joy! Escape reality, be happy, otherwise you may as well have lit the money you spent on your tickets on fire, k?

Okay, rant over, hopefully you, beloved subjects, will heed Lord Darkharte’s advice; remember, joy happens from within yourself, you choose joy or you choose misery, it’s not foisted upon you by others. (This moment of unexpected depth from a big, pompous buffoon brought to you by the wise teachings of Sadhguru, he’s  on facebook and worth a watch, trust me.)

Now, back to buffoonery before Boss Moth fires my ass. He doesn’t pay me to be smart.

Come to think of it, he doesn’t pay me to be stupid, either. My agent sucks…….

Complaints continue to dog Friday the 13th: The Game, by this point Gun Media probably wishes they’d never bothered. The latest complaints seem to come largely due to glitches, people exploiting said glitches, and kids “ruining the game.” So, to those issuing these complaints, my question is this: Is this your first video game or something, asshole? It’s got to be otherwise you’d have EXPECTED THIS SHIT! Look, let me break it down for the noobs here:

-EVERY game has glitches!

-EVERY game has douchebags who exploit said glitches!

-This is the same across EVERY platform!

And finally, this important tidbit:

-The primary occupation of EVERY eight year old on the internet is fucking your mom!

Tune the dumb shit out, give Gun some time to fix the glitches and drop the hammer on the cheaters, and enjoy the game!

Random Adam West trivia:  West was a finalist for the role of 007 in Diamonds are Forever before Sean Connery and Albert R. “Cubby” Broccolli mended fences and brought everyone’s mom’s favorite 007 back. West passed on the role because he didn’t feel an American should play the part.

This was the same movie where the big bad was played by the man who taught us all to do the Time Warp……..

As most of you know, June is PRIDE month here in the states and it’s something I fully support. Hopefully we’re another year closer to a world where sexual orientation and gender identity don’t separate us anymore. A world of unity; that would be nice.

Then we can all get back to fighting over whether Marvel or DC is better, like we should’ve been doing for years.

On a personal note, I want to encourage you all to take pride in yourself, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, because if you don’t, sure as hell nobody else will.

Okay, so I’m on “E” again, time to recharge the batteries and look ahead to what’s next, live long and prosper, you amazing motherfuckers!

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – May 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Greetings, loyal subjects! It’s time to rumble!

First thing’s first, Friday the 13th: The Game (the one that’s been so anxiously awaited) has not opened well. Between login problems, no physical game, and people not getting the things they ordered, its been, shall we say, inauspicious.

Still not as bad as the launch of GTA V though.

People are already auctioning off their DLC, the Savini Jason has a high bid of over $10K at the last check. Never has anyone gone broke betting on the stupidity of the masses.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, aka FUCKING AWESOME!!!! I’m not going to say much, no spoilers, but there’s no way it’s the last one. Especially not if Johnny Depp really is in financial trouble. We might even get three or four more… Our boy has got expensive tastes.

Now for something that pisses Lord Darkharte off: McDonald’s positively idiotic decision to kill off Orange Lavaburst Hi-C!

Okay, I get it. You need a space for your new Sprite flavor on the fountain? Fine, but why remove one of the most popular flavors??? Not only is Orange Lavaburst delicious, it’s also one of the healthiest options on a menu that is, let’s face it, about as healthy as a spa day at Chernobyl. Plus it has never waned in popularity… EVER! Meanwhile, that same bag of Minute Maid Lite Lemonade that was put in the machine back when HW Bush was President will remain probably until we get another Bush in the White House. Makes sense to me….

Watching Saving Private Ryan this Memorial Day. Takes me back to that internet question about if you could travel to the 50’s what would be the most mind blowing thing you could tell someone from that time. Can you imagine if you could go back to 1981 and tell them the guy from Bosom Buddies was going to become the biggest star on Earth?

Just realized today after the 15th or 20th viewing that Nathan Fillion was in Private Ryan as the wrong Private Ryan. His appearance, like Firefly, was terribly short. #FuckYouFox!!!

Sympathies to Zack Snyder and his wife, who’ve stepped away from Justice League after the loss of their daughter. Fear not, loyal subjects! The JL movie is in the capable hands of Joss Whedon, so we’re good.

DC might be behind Marvel in lots of cinematic ways, but I’m loving how they’re working so hard to get everything connected: tv, movies, animation. The efforts will really pay off soon.

Star Trek: Discovery launches soon. I’m stoked!

It’s beyond time for a good Superman game. I don’t think we’ve ever had one.

So, that’s it for me, it’s been a rough month but worth it. Live Long and Prosper.

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – April 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Alrighty! All right, all right! Once again it’s time to rumble!

Okay, let’s start with some good news: Friday the 13th: The Game now has a release date. Jason attacks again on Friday, May 26th….

Okay, the date isn’t perfect, but that’s okay The game is finally coming out, and that’s the important part.

Now for the sad news, as we bid farewell to one of the most popular, and healthiest, items on the McDonald’s menu. Happy trails to the Hi-C’s Orange Lavaburst drink. The long-time favorite of kids and adults alike will leave menus forever by the end of May, replaced by a special McDonald’s exclusive Sprite blend.

Was that really needed?

So, as often happens, when the top power brokers in America need help, Lord Darkharte gets a call. And this month was no different as Donny T. from D.C. (name redacted for privacy reasons) called Lord Darkharte to handle a very sticky situation in the Middle East. Of course, your dark lord has the situation covered, as such Lord Darkharte has contracted United Airlines security to forcibly remove Syrian despot Bashar Assad.

Oh, and Donny, no worries, I’ve got that North Korean thing handled for you, too.

There’s about to be a black and white version of Logan released. Ironic I learn of this today. The day I realized that since the conversion to digital, there are no longer any working black and white TV’s in the world.

April is a month to celebrate the new life that comes with spring, and often new life. As such happy birthday to Walker, Texas Ranger and our own Damsel of Darkness, the always selfless and occasionally hairless Fan Girl Amanda!

Now, for a new segment (which we hope like Hell is a one-off), KC’s Fashion Corner! During a recent road trip, I had the “opportunity” to stop at Nordstrom’s, home of the $425 “mud stained” jeans. Yes, it’s exactly how it sounds, these are pants with a strategically placed “mud stain” that, for the price of a new car payment, will allow you to walk around in public looking like you’ve just shit yourself.

So, to say the least, Nordstrom has caught some crap (lol, see what I did there?) about making the pants, but the thing is this, why blame a company for trying to make money? Be mad about the fact that there are people out there willing to pay S425 to look like they just shit their pants. Or, better yet, be disturbed…….

But, what if you want to look like you shit your pants but don’t have $425 to spare for Nordstrom’s pre-pooped pants? No worries, as always I have your back, loyal subjects! Lacking cash, you’re going to need a crapload (hee hee) of creativity. So, here’s a recipe for DIY Nordstrom jeans:

Jeans in the color you desire

Taco Bell breakfast

Time

One of the many things I get geeked about is old school pro wrestling and there was nobody bigger in the business than Andre the Giant. So, to say the least I was delighted to find a picture from one of Andre’s last matches, a tag team match in Japan, where he was stretching Tyler “Michael Myers” Mane while former NWA champ and Japanese Legend Giant Baba chopped him in the chest. #JusticeForLaurie

Outside of the family who is your favorite Simpsons character? Am I the only one who would choose Mr. Burns?

The next Call of Duty takes us back to WWII. The next Elder Scrolls takes us back to Morrowind. It might be time for me to take myself back to vacation…

Okay, the low fuel light is on in my brain. So until next month, live long and prosper.