The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – April 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Alrighty! All right, all right! Once again it’s time to rumble!

Okay, let’s start with some good news: Friday the 13th: The Game now has a release date. Jason attacks again on Friday, May 26th….

Okay, the date isn’t perfect, but that’s okay The game is finally coming out, and that’s the important part.

Now for the sad news, as we bid farewell to one of the most popular, and healthiest, items on the McDonald’s menu. Happy trails to the Hi-C’s Orange Lavaburst drink. The long-time favorite of kids and adults alike will leave menus forever by the end of May, replaced by a special McDonald’s exclusive Sprite blend.

Was that really needed?

So, as often happens, when the top power brokers in America need help, Lord Darkharte gets a call. And this month was no different as Donny T. from D.C. (name redacted for privacy reasons) called Lord Darkharte to handle a very sticky situation in the Middle East. Of course, your dark lord has the situation covered, as such Lord Darkharte has contracted United Airlines security to forcibly remove Syrian despot Bashar Assad.

Oh, and Donny, no worries, I’ve got that North Korean thing handled for you, too.

There’s about to be a black and white version of Logan released. Ironic I learn of this today. The day I realized that since the conversion to digital, there are no longer any working black and white TV’s in the world.

April is a month to celebrate the new life that comes with spring, and often new life. As such happy birthday to Walker, Texas Ranger and our own Damsel of Darkness, the always selfless and occasionally hairless Fan Girl Amanda!

Now, for a new segment (which we hope like Hell is a one-off), KC’s Fashion Corner! During a recent road trip, I had the “opportunity” to stop at Nordstrom’s, home of the $425 “mud stained” jeans. Yes, it’s exactly how it sounds, these are pants with a strategically placed “mud stain” that, for the price of a new car payment, will allow you to walk around in public looking like you’ve just shit yourself.

So, to say the least, Nordstrom has caught some crap (lol, see what I did there?) about making the pants, but the thing is this, why blame a company for trying to make money? Be mad about the fact that there are people out there willing to pay S425 to look like they just shit their pants. Or, better yet, be disturbed…….

But, what if you want to look like you shit your pants but don’t have $425 to spare for Nordstrom’s pre-pooped pants? No worries, as always I have your back, loyal subjects! Lacking cash, you’re going to need a crapload (hee hee) of creativity. So, here’s a recipe for DIY Nordstrom jeans:

Jeans in the color you desire

Taco Bell breakfast

Time

One of the many things I get geeked about is old school pro wrestling and there was nobody bigger in the business than Andre the Giant. So, to say the least I was delighted to find a picture from one of Andre’s last matches, a tag team match in Japan, where he was stretching Tyler “Michael Myers” Mane while former NWA champ and Japanese Legend Giant Baba chopped him in the chest. #JusticeForLaurie

Outside of the family who is your favorite Simpsons character? Am I the only one who would choose Mr. Burns?

The next Call of Duty takes us back to WWII. The next Elder Scrolls takes us back to Morrowind. It might be time for me to take myself back to vacation…

Okay, the low fuel light is on in my brain. So until next month, live long and prosper.

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – March 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Greetings, loyal subjects! it is time to rumble once more and we’re going in hard!

Okay, y’all know I abandoned the obituaries a while ago, but this time I have to. You see, Amok Time, arguably the greatest episode of Star Trek: TOS ever has taken another hit from the reaper. We lost Arlene “T’Pring” Martel and the legendary Leonard Nimoy in fairly rapid succession, and DeForest Kelley had passed many years ago, but now we’ve lost Stonn when Lawrence Montaigne passed, leaving William Shatner as the only remaining member of the cast from the famous fight scene… RIP, Mr. Montaigne.

Juicy Tidbit 1: Lawrence Montaigne never got why people loved the character of Stonn so much. Said it seemed like he just stood their glaring and didn’t say much but for some reason people loved him. I guess it wasn’t something he had to really understand, like most things with Trek, it just is.

Juicy tidbit 2: Leonard Nimoy considered leaving Star Trek for Mission: Impossible, Lawrence Montaigne was the anointed replacement. Man, how different would that have been? I can’t even fathom a world where anyone BUT Leonard Nimoy played Spock, even with a new guy having played the role in three movies. Sorry, but I’ve got to cosign Sheldon Cooper on this one: Zachary Quinto, live long and suck it.

NIMOY FOREVER!!!!

Okay, now on to other subjects, though I’m probably going to go back to Trek before too long, trust me.

Kong: Skull Island was AMAZING! It’s impossible to go wrong with Tom Hiddleston, John Goodman, John C. Reilly, and Samuel L. Jackson and Skull Island absolutely did not. Still weird for me when Samuel L. Jackson goes through a whole movie without saying motherfucker though…

Oh, and treat this one like a Marvel movie, people. DO. NOT. LEAVE. EARLY.

So, did you know Nichelle Nichols had considered quitting Trek after the first season? Yup, true story. Know who talked her out of it? Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Mull this over: Gene Rodennberry, a white man, creates the show. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, a woman with her Hispanic husband, fought tooth and nail to make sure this show happened, they triggered this whole obsession, and Martin Luther King, Jr. between saving America from Jim Crow, managed to find the time to keep an iconic character from leaving the show, really saving the Trek we all came to love. Don’t let the media and their constant negativity fool you, loyal subjects, people of all races CAN come together for good purposes. Think about that.

Sick to death of the constant nasty political banter. Never have I seen political discourse be so vile from both sides. I mean, I get it, you all want to think your candidate is Obi-Wan Kenobi and their candidate is Darth Vader, but guess what? They’re both Jar Jar Binks! And they’re all run by a bunch of corporate Wattos behind the scenes. Wanna know all you need to know about politics? Here ya go! Republicans are red, Democrats are blue, neither of them give a fuck about you!

But, the good news is this: Lord Darkharte loves you. So you’ve got that going for you, which is nice.

It was even weird for me that Samuel L. Jackson didn’t say motherfucker in any of the Star Wars prequels. I mean, can’t you just picture Mace Windu in Episode III when Anakin is whining about not being a Master saying “Sit down and shut up, motherfucker!”

Can’t just be me……

So, the number one movie in the world is the live action Beauty and the Beast, starring Emma Watson as Belle. The same Emma Watson who was supposed to be in the now cancelled Friday the 13th. I mean, it’s almost like nobody thought that people would come see that movie just because it’s Emma Watson. I mean, could it be that Hollywood execs have no imagination or foresight?

YES!!!! Hey, Hollywood, wake up, morons! Make this shit happen!

So we can’t get the new Friday the 13th, but they’re remaking Stephen King’s IT… Didn’t that abortion of a new Rocky Horry Picture Show teach people anything? Like, oh, I don’t know, if Tim Curry did it first, he did it right and maybe we should LEAVE IT ALONE!!!

Please, please, leave something great from my childhood un-raped, Hollywood…

So, it was recently brought up that there should be sort of an Expendables of comedy and, I gotta say, I really like the idea. However, if we’re going to do this, we’ve got to do it in the style of the Expendables movies and that is to bring back our favorites from the past for a sort of cinematic victory lap. So, that in mind, here we go, Lord Darkharte’s comedy Expendables!

Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, Joe Piscopo, Dennis Leary, Gabriel Iglesias, and Margaret Cho.

Thinking about getting into Konflikt ’47. It’s a tabletop war game that basically is a weird, semi-sci-fi version of WWII. Picture it: German Walkers…

So the world is flipping about LeFou dancing with a dude in the new Beauty and the Beast yet nobody notices all the chicks dancing together in the opening scenes……. Park your hypocrisy elsewhere, people.

But, that being said, I’ve got to get serious, even a little maudlin for a second. People, please, please don’t fall into the trap of letting yourself be separated from others based on gender, religion, race, sexuality, or anything else. Underneath it all, we’re all the same, and the only “race” that really exists is human. Don’t let black/white, gay/straight/bi, male/female/trans, republican/democrat, or anything else that the media plays up and most of us don’t think about all that much define you. Be YOU! A limited edition of one. You’ll find you’re much happier.

You’ll also find a lot of people much happier that Lord Darkharte is a limited edition of one, too…..

Anyway, that’s it for this month. Thanks for listening. Live long and prosper, you beautiful motherfuckers!

 

Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – February 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

All right, loyal subjects. It’s time to rumble once again, and this time I’m really going to be on a tear!

Let’s start with the continued scourge of remake mania! Apparently Jaws is being redone, along with CHiPs as well. That’s bad enough. But then to find out that they’re remaking Smokey and the Bandit with Joaquin Phoenix as the Bandit….

BULLSHIT!!!!!

Okay, I get it. You’re all out of ideas. But Jesus H. let some part of my childhood escape your creativity free ass rapes! You people…..

I can’t even.

Oh, and it doesn’t get any better, folks. Remember that Friday the 13th movie we were getting? Yeah, well, FORGET IT!  Apparently Paramount is so disappointed in the returns from Rings that they’ve decided the proper reaction is to cancel a movie people have been waiting on for years. And here’s the question that’s burning up my brain: What the hell do the two have to do with each other? Friday the 13th is an established series with a fervent fan base, people who have been following the series for nearly 40 years, whereas the Ring series was a brilliant flash in the pan during the short lived J-Horror craze of the last decade, but the J-Horror remake craze is long dead. Jason will never die. The fans won’t let him. They tried. More than once. But the fans keep bringing him back. This was a huge opportunity, guys, and you screwed the pooch royal.

But it’s not all bad news, loyal subjects. Sniper Elite 4: Italia, is probably the best entry in the series. More kill cams, including melee kill cams, and a new variety of weapons with amazing gameplay. If you want to waste some time and love shooting Nazis, you need to go ahead and get this one, if you haven’t already. Hey, Battlefield people, here’s an idea, see what Rebellion does with Sniper Elite and copy that for your next game.

Be a huge improvement over Battlefield One……

Am I the only one who doesn’t give a shit about awards shows? The Oscars, Emmys, Grammys, Espys, none of them. I just don’t care. And a lot of that is because they never hand the statue to a movie I enjoyed. I mean, okay, Suicide Squad won some technical Oscar. That’s great, but we’re never going to see John Carpenter receive Best Director or see a Friday the 13th film take Best Picture (especially not now when we’re probably never going to see another Friday the 13th…..) So, yeah. Too much talk, not enough action, and way too much bullshit ass politics…..

And speaking of politics…..

I’m sorry, America, but I’m going to go on record now and give you the bad news: I, Lord KC Darkharte, will not be your President in 2020. Sorry, I just can’t risk it. I mean, have you had a look at the last few Presidents? Clinton, Bush, Jr., and Obama all entered the office as young, dark haired, handsome, vital men and exited as, well, the Cryptkeeper. Sorry, I just can’t risk it. I’ve been informed by an informal poll of the ladies who read this blog, all three of them, that I’m hotter than I am funny, and I just can’t lose my market niche.

Besides, the job doesn’t pay much. I mean, yeah, you have an army, navy, missiles, drones, Elvis performs live in the war room, but still, high risk low reward. Sorry, America, you’ll need to find a new person to hitch your wagon to.

You know, all his predecessors came in young and vital, Trump didn’t… Wonder how rough the next four to eight years are going to be on him.  Wonder how many first ladies we’re going to have, too.

Maybe The Donald will do the right thing and marry the intern he cheats on Melania with, lol. #ScrewYouClinton! #PoorMonica

Every Simpsons Ever never gets old. Sorry, it’s the truth.

Congrats to Monster Energy for turning the Daytona 500 into a Demolition Derby!

Whatever happened to Demolition anyway? Those guys were awesome.

Logan comes out on the 3rd of next month and I’m both looking forward to it and dreading it. It’s the last time (maybe) we see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine (depending on Deadpool 2 of course) AND Patrick Stewart as Professor X. Really not sure how to feel about this one……

But, Hugh Jackman will always have the second best unintentional porn name ever….. EVER.

Looks like Pierce Brosnan is going to be Cable, lot of Ron Perlman fans are going to be pissed.

Or maybe they won’t notice because we’re all too pissed about the fact there’s never going to be a Hellboy 3……

No Friday the 13th, No Hellboy 3…. I’m just done for the month.

After this:

I know you’re all wondering, who has the BEST unintentional porn name EVER? Well, while he’s not famous, you’ll never forget the name of German tank commander, Lt. Fritz Langdanke (pronounced Long-Donkey). Yeah, good shit…..

Until next time, live long and prosper. Oh, and if you get the time call Paramount and bitch until we get Jason back, huh?

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – January 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Greetings, loyal subjects! It’s that time again, for the first time in 2017, it’s time to rumble!

Okay, first off the good news: Stan Lee, Chuck Norris, and Betty White all survived 2016! Damn near nobody else did, but they made it.

Sadly, John Hurt didn’t. The Potter-verse is taking a beating lately……

Anyway, now to borrow something from Seinfeld, we’re going to celebrate Festivus! Let’s start with the airing of grievances, shall we? Hollywood, get comfy, this is going to mostly be aimed at you.

Okay, Hollywood, you’ve just gone too far. It’s not bad enough that you’ve RUINED Freddy Krueger, nearly ruined Michael Myers and Jason, only managed one semi-palatable movie with Charlie’s Angels, let the mouse ruin Star Wars, and now you’re about to ruin ChiPs and Jaws! STOP IT, MOTHERFUCKERS! Seriously, get some original ideas! There are dozens of filmmakers struggling making indie films that have new ideas, or at least exciting takes on older ones, you really can make a new movie without butt raping my childhood like a white color criminal at Morningwood Penetentiary! Seriously, when I saw the preview of the poster for the Jaws remake, which I sincerely hope is fake, I honestly wanted to cry, I mean, is nothing sacred anymore? The Exorcist got remade into a bad series, they’ve recast 24, and now Jaws couldn’t swim fast enough to escape the remake/reboot/reimagine/regurgitate train?

I just can’t with you Hollywood, I just can’t.

However, it’s not all bad. Friday the 13th: The Game looks awesome. It does need one thing though:
The music of First Jason Ari Lehman’s band, appropriately named First Jason! So, get with Gun Media, tell them we want another true Jason connection for this game! Oh, and we’re finally going to get to meet Jason’s dad, Elias Voorhees, in the next movie. You know? The one we were supposed to meet in Jason Lives? Exciting times in the franchise, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it now: 2017 is the year of Jason!

Who should play Elias Voorhees though? To my mind it would have to be a man as big and intimidating as Jason at his baddest. Leaves only one option in my mind:

Ron Perlman.

I mean, come on, you can’t tell me you don’t see a little bit of Clay Morrow when you think of Elias Voorhees? It works for me anyway.

Anyway, back on Festivus, time for the FEATS OF STRENGTH:

Strongest “Geek” movie of 2016: Doctor Strange! The movie I expected the least out of ends up being the best of the year. Two words: Benedict Fucking Cumberbatch.

Strongest Performance of the Year (Male): See above. Benedict Cumberbatch was just winning in this, he made you hate him, pity him, then cheer him, pretty freakin’ strong.

Strongest Performance (Female): Carrie Fisher, The Force Awakens. General Leia turned in a last performance for the ages, makes me miss her even more.

Strongest Comeback of the Year: Blair Witch. After the debacle that was Book of Shadows the franchise was left for dead and the original third installment, Ellie Kedward’s Tale, didn’t make it to the screen, but the new movie was still amazing and gives me new hope to eventually see Ellie Kedward on screen.

But, it’s not all good news, in fact, this next part is very, very bad: Peter Capaldi, the 12th and, if they stick to the rules FINAL, Doctor, is leaving Dr. Who at the end of the next series. So, that begs the question, what happens next? Does the series break its most steadfast rule or does it simply…. die? Scary times.

Well, sadly, I’m exhausted and on “E” so this month’s column must come to an end. So, with the world being just a little scary at the moment, I’ll leave you with the words of Bill S. Preston, Esq and Ted “Theodore” Logan, “Be excellent to each other!”

 

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – December 2016

By Lord KC Darkharte

Greetings, loyal subjects! Once more for the year, it’s time to rumble!

This is getting done and sent in at the last second It was just so super hard to make myself want to write another word about this son of a bitch year. We’ve basically lost a huge swath of the pop culture atmosphere that we thrive on, including the first love of many boys (and no doubt some girls) of our age group, Prince Leia herself, Carrie Fisher. I mean, why the hell would anyone want to hear any more about 2016?

Princess Leia, R2-D2, Lt. Pol Triedum, AND the voice of Admiral Ackbar, are all gone! 2016 was indeed a trap! Either that or Death is a Star Trek fan…

There were some great points in this year. I mean, it wasn’t all death and despair. Pretty fucking close, but not all. For instance, the Blair Witch returned and was pretty damned good. The Suicide Squad finally came to the big screen, and the Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Strange, finally made his debut in the MCU. Plus, we got not one, but two new Star Wars movies and a new Star Trek movie. So it’s not ALL BAD.

LOL, and I’ve got to really hand it to Dr. Strange, that has got to be my favorite Marvel movie in years. Especially, spoiler alert, Dr. Strange’s, shall we say, unique solution to the Dormammu problem. In the fashion of a six-year-old Dr. Strange basically annoyed Dormammu into submission, and cheated to do it, a la James T. Kirk’s Kobayashi Maru test. I laughed so hard at that that I could hardly breath, one of the best Marvel movies in years!

Little unhappy about Mordo’s heel turn, but, you know, it is what it is.

So, yeah, movie wise 2016 wasn’t a bad year at all. 2017 is looking better though.

Gaming is getting even better, lots of great stuff to come and you’re going to lose Lord Darkharte for a few days to Madden ’17 here shortly. Oh, and the Friday the 13th game will probably be taking a lot of my time, too. Play as Jason? Uh, yes, please!

And, I must admit it gives me great joy to know that somewhere Stan Lee and Betty White are drinking margaritas, shooting the specter of death the bird, and saying, “Missed again, bitch!”

Death also came for legendary wrestler Ric Flair this year, but the 22-time champion got the drop on it, and, after a few seconds in the figure four Death quickly submitted. Death’s humiliation was compounded when his wife, mom, and sister came back wearing “I rode Space Mountain” t-shirts.

Anyway, as this is the last column of the year, I guess I have to touch on a few items of a more serious nature:

Okay, let’s begin with this one. Home improvement show stars Chip and Joanna Gaines have come under fire for attending a church headed by a virulently anti-LGBTQ pastor. As most of my loyal subjects are members of this community, Lord Darkharte has to ring in on this one, as the Gaines’ haven’t answered up about it. So, without further ado here’s my analysis of the situation: If, as Christians, the Gaines’ believe that by not openly and publicly accepting Jesus you tacitly accept Satan, they cannot then claim the right to say that by failing to denounce this “minister’s” message of hate and exclusion, openly and publicly, that they do not then tacitly endorse it. Sorry, you cannot have it both ways, and if you’re not willing to denounce this man publicly, then you’ve co-signed his message of hate and have no more business on TV than Joseph Goebbels. Sorry, it is what it is.

And while we’re on the subject of bigotry against the LGBTQ community, in a statement I probably should’ve made sooner, avoid the Salvation Army at all costs. The Salvation Army is not truly a charity, they are an evangelical Protestant Church who use your donations for Anti-LGBTQ activism and, unless you want to explain to all your friends in the LGBTQ community why you’re against their equality, don’t drop even a dime in those red kettles. Don’t Donate to Hate.

Don’t feel bad if you donated prior to this, I did, too. You live, you learn, you grow as a person. However, if you still donate to them after reading this, well, you’re an ass-wipe and should fuck off.

Okay, serious stuff over. I’m really not very good at it.

So, we’ve reached the end of another column and another year, and we’re headed at Warp Nine into another. I want to thank you all for sharing this year with me, putting up with me, and continuing to come back and read my bullshit once a month. That being said, we cannot merely walk into 2017, we must charge into it with the ferocity of the legions of darkness, so, that being said, I guess it’s that time…

LEEEEEEEROOOOOOY JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENKINS!!!!!