Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – June 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Alright, alright, alright, it’s that time again!  Time to rumble!

Let’s get straight into it and let me say this: June has been an absolutely suck moose balls month for the world of geekdom with the loss of Adam West, best known as tv’s Batman and Quahog mayor Adam West. Of all the people to lose in June, usually one of the best months of the geek calendar with games and movies coming out constantly, why did it have to be Batman? As much of an obvious Keaton mark as I am and always will be, you never forget your first, and Adam West was just that. Cut to this scene: a tiny, basement apartment in Charlotte, North Carolina, a bouncy blue-eyed child who can only manage to sit still for about a half an hour a day. The cause? Batman is on, and nothing else, not even the small ham sandwich and plate of Fritos in front of him, matters. Batman is on, therefore the world stopped for those thirty minutes. Batman is on. He doesn’t have to announce to the world  “I’m Batman!” We already know. There’s not even a question.

Speaking of heroes, now I got to get into this shit. Wonder Woman is kicking serious box-office ass, as predicted right here by your dark lord after Batman vs. Superman, and the DCEU is looking like it might catch up to Marvel (could’ve been light years ahead if they’d done this when Keaton and Reeves could play the respective parts, but whatever……. #MISSEDOPPORTUNITIES) So, all should be good in the geek neighborhood, right? WRONG!!!! As usual, we’ve proven to be our own worst enemy by trying to make this some sort off social justice issue and stating, “This is the first real female action hero!” This, naturally, sparks a massive outcry of “What about Buffy?”  and “What about Ripley?” and “What about (insert female hero here)?” So, in the noble tradition of Socrates, I’ll answer those questions with a question of my own……

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????????

Why does praise for Wonder Woman, albeit maybe a little misworded, have to inherently be a slam against Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Princess Leia, or Ripley, or even Black Widow (who so deserves her own movie, btw), or Walking Dead Samurai goddess Michonne? And why does everything have to have an agenda and be politicized? Movies are supposed to be about ESCAPING the bullshit we’re force fed in the real world, not about bringing your grievances with it to the silver screen! So here’s an idea for everybody (because, face it, we’re all guilty): Stop looking for attacks that didn’t happen, stop being a victim, and, for two hours, turn off the harshness of the real world and ENJOY THE FUCKING MOVIE! Stop cheating yourselves out of joy! Escape reality, be happy, otherwise you may as well have lit the money you spent on your tickets on fire, k?

Okay, rant over, hopefully you, beloved subjects, will heed Lord Darkharte’s advice; remember, joy happens from within yourself, you choose joy or you choose misery, it’s not foisted upon you by others. (This moment of unexpected depth from a big, pompous buffoon brought to you by the wise teachings of Sadhguru, he’s  on facebook and worth a watch, trust me.)

Now, back to buffoonery before Boss Moth fires my ass. He doesn’t pay me to be smart.

Come to think of it, he doesn’t pay me to be stupid, either. My agent sucks…….

Complaints continue to dog Friday the 13th: The Game, by this point Gun Media probably wishes they’d never bothered. The latest complaints seem to come largely due to glitches, people exploiting said glitches, and kids “ruining the game.” So, to those issuing these complaints, my question is this: Is this your first video game or something, asshole? It’s got to be otherwise you’d have EXPECTED THIS SHIT! Look, let me break it down for the noobs here:

-EVERY game has glitches!

-EVERY game has douchebags who exploit said glitches!

-This is the same across EVERY platform!

And finally, this important tidbit:

-The primary occupation of EVERY eight year old on the internet is fucking your mom!

Tune the dumb shit out, give Gun some time to fix the glitches and drop the hammer on the cheaters, and enjoy the game!

Random Adam West trivia:  West was a finalist for the role of 007 in Diamonds are Forever before Sean Connery and Albert R. “Cubby” Broccolli mended fences and brought everyone’s mom’s favorite 007 back. West passed on the role because he didn’t feel an American should play the part.

This was the same movie where the big bad was played by the man who taught us all to do the Time Warp……..

As most of you know, June is PRIDE month here in the states and it’s something I fully support. Hopefully we’re another year closer to a world where sexual orientation and gender identity don’t separate us anymore. A world of unity; that would be nice.

Then we can all get back to fighting over whether Marvel or DC is better, like we should’ve been doing for years.

On a personal note, I want to encourage you all to take pride in yourself, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, because if you don’t, sure as hell nobody else will.

Okay, so I’m on “E” again, time to recharge the batteries and look ahead to what’s next, live long and prosper, you amazing motherfuckers!

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – May 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Greetings, loyal subjects! It’s time to rumble!

First thing’s first, Friday the 13th: The Game (the one that’s been so anxiously awaited) has not opened well. Between login problems, no physical game, and people not getting the things they ordered, its been, shall we say, inauspicious.

Still not as bad as the launch of GTA V though.

People are already auctioning off their DLC, the Savini Jason has a high bid of over $10K at the last check. Never has anyone gone broke betting on the stupidity of the masses.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, aka FUCKING AWESOME!!!! I’m not going to say much, no spoilers, but there’s no way it’s the last one. Especially not if Johnny Depp really is in financial trouble. We might even get three or four more… Our boy has got expensive tastes.

Now for something that pisses Lord Darkharte off: McDonald’s positively idiotic decision to kill off Orange Lavaburst Hi-C!

Okay, I get it. You need a space for your new Sprite flavor on the fountain? Fine, but why remove one of the most popular flavors??? Not only is Orange Lavaburst delicious, it’s also one of the healthiest options on a menu that is, let’s face it, about as healthy as a spa day at Chernobyl. Plus it has never waned in popularity… EVER! Meanwhile, that same bag of Minute Maid Lite Lemonade that was put in the machine back when HW Bush was President will remain probably until we get another Bush in the White House. Makes sense to me….

Watching Saving Private Ryan this Memorial Day. Takes me back to that internet question about if you could travel to the 50’s what would be the most mind blowing thing you could tell someone from that time. Can you imagine if you could go back to 1981 and tell them the guy from Bosom Buddies was going to become the biggest star on Earth?

Just realized today after the 15th or 20th viewing that Nathan Fillion was in Private Ryan as the wrong Private Ryan. His appearance, like Firefly, was terribly short. #FuckYouFox!!!

Sympathies to Zack Snyder and his wife, who’ve stepped away from Justice League after the loss of their daughter. Fear not, loyal subjects! The JL movie is in the capable hands of Joss Whedon, so we’re good.

DC might be behind Marvel in lots of cinematic ways, but I’m loving how they’re working so hard to get everything connected: tv, movies, animation. The efforts will really pay off soon.

Star Trek: Discovery launches soon. I’m stoked!

It’s beyond time for a good Superman game. I don’t think we’ve ever had one.

So, that’s it for me, it’s been a rough month but worth it. Live Long and Prosper.

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – April 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Alrighty! All right, all right! Once again it’s time to rumble!

Okay, let’s start with some good news: Friday the 13th: The Game now has a release date. Jason attacks again on Friday, May 26th….

Okay, the date isn’t perfect, but that’s okay The game is finally coming out, and that’s the important part.

Now for the sad news, as we bid farewell to one of the most popular, and healthiest, items on the McDonald’s menu. Happy trails to the Hi-C’s Orange Lavaburst drink. The long-time favorite of kids and adults alike will leave menus forever by the end of May, replaced by a special McDonald’s exclusive Sprite blend.

Was that really needed?

So, as often happens, when the top power brokers in America need help, Lord Darkharte gets a call. And this month was no different as Donny T. from D.C. (name redacted for privacy reasons) called Lord Darkharte to handle a very sticky situation in the Middle East. Of course, your dark lord has the situation covered, as such Lord Darkharte has contracted United Airlines security to forcibly remove Syrian despot Bashar Assad.

Oh, and Donny, no worries, I’ve got that North Korean thing handled for you, too.

There’s about to be a black and white version of Logan released. Ironic I learn of this today. The day I realized that since the conversion to digital, there are no longer any working black and white TV’s in the world.

April is a month to celebrate the new life that comes with spring, and often new life. As such happy birthday to Walker, Texas Ranger and our own Damsel of Darkness, the always selfless and occasionally hairless Fan Girl Amanda!

Now, for a new segment (which we hope like Hell is a one-off), KC’s Fashion Corner! During a recent road trip, I had the “opportunity” to stop at Nordstrom’s, home of the $425 “mud stained” jeans. Yes, it’s exactly how it sounds, these are pants with a strategically placed “mud stain” that, for the price of a new car payment, will allow you to walk around in public looking like you’ve just shit yourself.

So, to say the least, Nordstrom has caught some crap (lol, see what I did there?) about making the pants, but the thing is this, why blame a company for trying to make money? Be mad about the fact that there are people out there willing to pay S425 to look like they just shit their pants. Or, better yet, be disturbed…….

But, what if you want to look like you shit your pants but don’t have $425 to spare for Nordstrom’s pre-pooped pants? No worries, as always I have your back, loyal subjects! Lacking cash, you’re going to need a crapload (hee hee) of creativity. So, here’s a recipe for DIY Nordstrom jeans:

Jeans in the color you desire

Taco Bell breakfast

Time

One of the many things I get geeked about is old school pro wrestling and there was nobody bigger in the business than Andre the Giant. So, to say the least I was delighted to find a picture from one of Andre’s last matches, a tag team match in Japan, where he was stretching Tyler “Michael Myers” Mane while former NWA champ and Japanese Legend Giant Baba chopped him in the chest. #JusticeForLaurie

Outside of the family who is your favorite Simpsons character? Am I the only one who would choose Mr. Burns?

The next Call of Duty takes us back to WWII. The next Elder Scrolls takes us back to Morrowind. It might be time for me to take myself back to vacation…

Okay, the low fuel light is on in my brain. So until next month, live long and prosper.

The Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – March 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

Greetings, loyal subjects! it is time to rumble once more and we’re going in hard!

Okay, y’all know I abandoned the obituaries a while ago, but this time I have to. You see, Amok Time, arguably the greatest episode of Star Trek: TOS ever has taken another hit from the reaper. We lost Arlene “T’Pring” Martel and the legendary Leonard Nimoy in fairly rapid succession, and DeForest Kelley had passed many years ago, but now we’ve lost Stonn when Lawrence Montaigne passed, leaving William Shatner as the only remaining member of the cast from the famous fight scene… RIP, Mr. Montaigne.

Juicy Tidbit 1: Lawrence Montaigne never got why people loved the character of Stonn so much. Said it seemed like he just stood their glaring and didn’t say much but for some reason people loved him. I guess it wasn’t something he had to really understand, like most things with Trek, it just is.

Juicy tidbit 2: Leonard Nimoy considered leaving Star Trek for Mission: Impossible, Lawrence Montaigne was the anointed replacement. Man, how different would that have been? I can’t even fathom a world where anyone BUT Leonard Nimoy played Spock, even with a new guy having played the role in three movies. Sorry, but I’ve got to cosign Sheldon Cooper on this one: Zachary Quinto, live long and suck it.

NIMOY FOREVER!!!!

Okay, now on to other subjects, though I’m probably going to go back to Trek before too long, trust me.

Kong: Skull Island was AMAZING! It’s impossible to go wrong with Tom Hiddleston, John Goodman, John C. Reilly, and Samuel L. Jackson and Skull Island absolutely did not. Still weird for me when Samuel L. Jackson goes through a whole movie without saying motherfucker though…

Oh, and treat this one like a Marvel movie, people. DO. NOT. LEAVE. EARLY.

So, did you know Nichelle Nichols had considered quitting Trek after the first season? Yup, true story. Know who talked her out of it? Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Mull this over: Gene Rodennberry, a white man, creates the show. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, a woman with her Hispanic husband, fought tooth and nail to make sure this show happened, they triggered this whole obsession, and Martin Luther King, Jr. between saving America from Jim Crow, managed to find the time to keep an iconic character from leaving the show, really saving the Trek we all came to love. Don’t let the media and their constant negativity fool you, loyal subjects, people of all races CAN come together for good purposes. Think about that.

Sick to death of the constant nasty political banter. Never have I seen political discourse be so vile from both sides. I mean, I get it, you all want to think your candidate is Obi-Wan Kenobi and their candidate is Darth Vader, but guess what? They’re both Jar Jar Binks! And they’re all run by a bunch of corporate Wattos behind the scenes. Wanna know all you need to know about politics? Here ya go! Republicans are red, Democrats are blue, neither of them give a fuck about you!

But, the good news is this: Lord Darkharte loves you. So you’ve got that going for you, which is nice.

It was even weird for me that Samuel L. Jackson didn’t say motherfucker in any of the Star Wars prequels. I mean, can’t you just picture Mace Windu in Episode III when Anakin is whining about not being a Master saying “Sit down and shut up, motherfucker!”

Can’t just be me……

So, the number one movie in the world is the live action Beauty and the Beast, starring Emma Watson as Belle. The same Emma Watson who was supposed to be in the now cancelled Friday the 13th. I mean, it’s almost like nobody thought that people would come see that movie just because it’s Emma Watson. I mean, could it be that Hollywood execs have no imagination or foresight?

YES!!!! Hey, Hollywood, wake up, morons! Make this shit happen!

So we can’t get the new Friday the 13th, but they’re remaking Stephen King’s IT… Didn’t that abortion of a new Rocky Horry Picture Show teach people anything? Like, oh, I don’t know, if Tim Curry did it first, he did it right and maybe we should LEAVE IT ALONE!!!

Please, please, leave something great from my childhood un-raped, Hollywood…

So, it was recently brought up that there should be sort of an Expendables of comedy and, I gotta say, I really like the idea. However, if we’re going to do this, we’ve got to do it in the style of the Expendables movies and that is to bring back our favorites from the past for a sort of cinematic victory lap. So, that in mind, here we go, Lord Darkharte’s comedy Expendables!

Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, Joe Piscopo, Dennis Leary, Gabriel Iglesias, and Margaret Cho.

Thinking about getting into Konflikt ’47. It’s a tabletop war game that basically is a weird, semi-sci-fi version of WWII. Picture it: German Walkers…

So the world is flipping about LeFou dancing with a dude in the new Beauty and the Beast yet nobody notices all the chicks dancing together in the opening scenes……. Park your hypocrisy elsewhere, people.

But, that being said, I’ve got to get serious, even a little maudlin for a second. People, please, please don’t fall into the trap of letting yourself be separated from others based on gender, religion, race, sexuality, or anything else. Underneath it all, we’re all the same, and the only “race” that really exists is human. Don’t let black/white, gay/straight/bi, male/female/trans, republican/democrat, or anything else that the media plays up and most of us don’t think about all that much define you. Be YOU! A limited edition of one. You’ll find you’re much happier.

You’ll also find a lot of people much happier that Lord Darkharte is a limited edition of one, too…..

Anyway, that’s it for this month. Thanks for listening. Live long and prosper, you beautiful motherfuckers!

 

Random Rumblins and Ruminatins of Lord KC Darkharte – February 2017

By Lord KC Darkharte

All right, loyal subjects. It’s time to rumble once again, and this time I’m really going to be on a tear!

Let’s start with the continued scourge of remake mania! Apparently Jaws is being redone, along with CHiPs as well. That’s bad enough. But then to find out that they’re remaking Smokey and the Bandit with Joaquin Phoenix as the Bandit….

BULLSHIT!!!!!

Okay, I get it. You’re all out of ideas. But Jesus H. let some part of my childhood escape your creativity free ass rapes! You people…..

I can’t even.

Oh, and it doesn’t get any better, folks. Remember that Friday the 13th movie we were getting? Yeah, well, FORGET IT!  Apparently Paramount is so disappointed in the returns from Rings that they’ve decided the proper reaction is to cancel a movie people have been waiting on for years. And here’s the question that’s burning up my brain: What the hell do the two have to do with each other? Friday the 13th is an established series with a fervent fan base, people who have been following the series for nearly 40 years, whereas the Ring series was a brilliant flash in the pan during the short lived J-Horror craze of the last decade, but the J-Horror remake craze is long dead. Jason will never die. The fans won’t let him. They tried. More than once. But the fans keep bringing him back. This was a huge opportunity, guys, and you screwed the pooch royal.

But it’s not all bad news, loyal subjects. Sniper Elite 4: Italia, is probably the best entry in the series. More kill cams, including melee kill cams, and a new variety of weapons with amazing gameplay. If you want to waste some time and love shooting Nazis, you need to go ahead and get this one, if you haven’t already. Hey, Battlefield people, here’s an idea, see what Rebellion does with Sniper Elite and copy that for your next game.

Be a huge improvement over Battlefield One……

Am I the only one who doesn’t give a shit about awards shows? The Oscars, Emmys, Grammys, Espys, none of them. I just don’t care. And a lot of that is because they never hand the statue to a movie I enjoyed. I mean, okay, Suicide Squad won some technical Oscar. That’s great, but we’re never going to see John Carpenter receive Best Director or see a Friday the 13th film take Best Picture (especially not now when we’re probably never going to see another Friday the 13th…..) So, yeah. Too much talk, not enough action, and way too much bullshit ass politics…..

And speaking of politics…..

I’m sorry, America, but I’m going to go on record now and give you the bad news: I, Lord KC Darkharte, will not be your President in 2020. Sorry, I just can’t risk it. I mean, have you had a look at the last few Presidents? Clinton, Bush, Jr., and Obama all entered the office as young, dark haired, handsome, vital men and exited as, well, the Cryptkeeper. Sorry, I just can’t risk it. I’ve been informed by an informal poll of the ladies who read this blog, all three of them, that I’m hotter than I am funny, and I just can’t lose my market niche.

Besides, the job doesn’t pay much. I mean, yeah, you have an army, navy, missiles, drones, Elvis performs live in the war room, but still, high risk low reward. Sorry, America, you’ll need to find a new person to hitch your wagon to.

You know, all his predecessors came in young and vital, Trump didn’t… Wonder how rough the next four to eight years are going to be on him.  Wonder how many first ladies we’re going to have, too.

Maybe The Donald will do the right thing and marry the intern he cheats on Melania with, lol. #ScrewYouClinton! #PoorMonica

Every Simpsons Ever never gets old. Sorry, it’s the truth.

Congrats to Monster Energy for turning the Daytona 500 into a Demolition Derby!

Whatever happened to Demolition anyway? Those guys were awesome.

Logan comes out on the 3rd of next month and I’m both looking forward to it and dreading it. It’s the last time (maybe) we see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine (depending on Deadpool 2 of course) AND Patrick Stewart as Professor X. Really not sure how to feel about this one……

But, Hugh Jackman will always have the second best unintentional porn name ever….. EVER.

Looks like Pierce Brosnan is going to be Cable, lot of Ron Perlman fans are going to be pissed.

Or maybe they won’t notice because we’re all too pissed about the fact there’s never going to be a Hellboy 3……

No Friday the 13th, No Hellboy 3…. I’m just done for the month.

After this:

I know you’re all wondering, who has the BEST unintentional porn name EVER? Well, while he’s not famous, you’ll never forget the name of German tank commander, Lt. Fritz Langdanke (pronounced Long-Donkey). Yeah, good shit…..

Until next time, live long and prosper. Oh, and if you get the time call Paramount and bitch until we get Jason back, huh?